The Case of the Jealous Jokester
Most of you can relate to receiving a registered mail notification in your mailbox and that certain restless feeling that grips your inner being. Anxiously you drive to
that all brick government building adorned with
the stars and strips: your local post office to retrieve this Scarlett letter.
With sweaty palms and shortness of breath, I carried this parcel
of doom back to the 'Elks lair. My better judgement told me that it wasn't a pair of knitted socks from my Grandmother and most assuredly not a letter proclaiming me the winner in Ed McMahon's million dollar sweepstakes. Like a child being sent out to pick his own switch for the beating of his life, I reluctantly opened Pandora's box and what followed next left me slack- jawed and in utter disbelief. It was immediately apparent that Ray's and my "clever" write ups of our adventures are not warmly accepted by all and to further illustrate this, we where presented with a class action lawsuit. The letter from M. Lee Beckman, Attorney at Large stated that the entitled parties of Morty Beckman, aka "Morty Kong Fooey", John Dannert, aka "Gator Poacher" and Rod Norwood, aka "Rod the God" are suing Grinningelk Music Company LLC. for inflammatory comments and a negative depiction of said plaintiffs. Can you believe this, I murmured to Ray? Well, wait one minute boys, you forgot just one thing; If you thought that Orenthal had a dream team, just you wait and see the team we assembled. That's right, we have, in our corner Defense Attorney extraordinaire Perry Mason.
We are bringing out the big boys, so if you want a war, bring it. They haven't lost a case in 11 years and as always,
accompanying Mr. Mason is the ever so efficient secretary Della Street and private detective phenom Paul Drake. With this team, Ray and I are supremely confident that justice will be served and of course, we will be vindicated. We are also counter-suing for lewd acts committed on a midget, the wrongful impersonation of a dead rock star and the poaching of endangered Pygmy alligators.
In the immortal words of Tony Montana:
"You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He's the best lawyer in Miami. He's such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm".
Fellow 'Elks here is an excerpt straight from the plaintiffs lawsuit.
Sirs, regarding the inflammatory comments on your web site we have the following reply. On behalf of Rod "
the God" Norwood, John "Please don't eat that fish" Dannert and Morty Kong Fooey, we have engaged the services of M. Lee Beckman, Attorney at Law for a class action suit on behalf of the above named parties. We feel our reputations have been irreparably enhanced by your comments, nor are we amused or convinced by your depiction of large antlered animals smiling or otherwise engaged in jocular behavior.
'Elk's of the world, unite because we are under siege and I'm not talking about the Steven Segal movie, either. Together, we can defeat this evil faction and get back to the world according to all things 'Elks.