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Darrell and Nikki Johnson
Darrell and Nikki Johnson
Item Purchased: 2009 50th Anniversary Les Paul R9

Darrell and his lovely wife, Nikki came out to visit us recently to check out some Les Pauls. But, the story is not just about the visit, but about why Lee and I, for about three hours kept getting cold chills down our spines and couldn't explain why. Now that we know the "rest of the story" about these two, allow me to explain. At first, she seemed demure and slightly quiet when we first met, but Nikki would occasionally cast a steely glance our way while we were talking to Darrell about guitars ( this is the part that explains those cold chills I spoke of earlier). You'll also notice her look of confidence in the picture- she didn't get this look from rocking babies to sleep in a daycare. As we soon found out, Nikki was the leader of ProCon Team 77, the most lethal and secret fugitive reconciliation squad on the planet. They are so secret and unknown, the Pres-o-Dent doesn't even know of their existence and they were the team that thwarted a high- level attack on Vladimir Putin during his recent election as Russia's Prime Minister. And, they did it with 1.7 mile sniper shots that were never recorded for the record books because they supposedly "never actually happened". She also killed two ex- New England Patriot defensive ends for asking her if they could buy her a drink and to this day, those bodies have never been found. Now, on to Darrell. It is rumored he battered a grown man with an Etch-o-Sketch at the age of 6 for taking his pack of Marlboro Reds away from him when he was at daycare and at the tender age of 16, he single- handedly bum- rushed a pack of wild Arkansas razorback hogs so his High School football coach wouldn't suspend him for knocking the helmets off of his teammates during practice. Simply put, the man just cannot be contained. He was thrown off the set of "Wrong Turn" for, as the Director stated, "actions beyond brutality to abhorred creatures". Bored with the constraints of an overly politically- correct society, he took to wandering the globe as a feral thrill seeker. Eventually, the Australian government hired him to catch great white sharks so they could study them, but the specimens had to be over 15 feet in length and he had to catch them with his bare hands. As usual, Darrell soon tired of this mundane task and just for kicks, swam into the mouth of a 21- foot, male great white and then ate his way out of the shark's belly. This obviously got him fired and when he was caught ambushing Polar bears with a pocket knife in Alaska, that was the last straw. An emergency meeting of the Bilderbergers was called in Rottach-Egern, Germany and it was decided that ProCon Team 77 should be called in to corral this untamed beast. What they didn't count on was, when Nikki saw a picture of "The Monster Johnson", as he was known, she fell immediately in love. A modern- day "Beauty and the Beast" if you will. The details of Darrell's capture at the hands of team leader Nikki are highly classified and unknown to the general public, but it is rumored that when she showed up at the most isolated military outpost in Iceland with Darrell, he was trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey with 100 mile per hour Army duct tape, both of his eyes were swollen shut and she was pulling the sled that carried him with two broken hands (I didn't make this up- it's just what I heard through my connections). But, as they say, "All's well if Nikki says so" and the happy couple came down to pay us a visit at the 'Elkcave. In the end, Darrell bought this smokin' 50th Anniversary R9 and Nikki let Lee and I live. I'd say that's a win- win for everyone involved and we're proud to count them both as new members of our family. If there are no new listings on our website for the next two weeks, somebody please God come and check to see that we're alive. And don't let that pink shirt fool you…..