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Dave 'Shake and Bake'  Belzer
Dave 'Shake and Bake' Belzer
Item Purchased: A few Mexi -Strats and a Hagstrom III

You are now looking at one half of the world- famous "Burst Brothers", Mr. Dave Belzer. In our efforts to transform Dave into a true Son of the New South, we've had to part with a few vintage guitars and an amp or two over the years. Painful as it may have been, it's all part of our master plan to take over Guitar Center Hollywood and rename it the "Hollywood House of Elks"; Bringing Dave over to the 'Elkside is the way we're going to worm our way into the inner- workings of the company. First, we got him to wear this GrinningElk T- shirt. What he doesn't know is, the shirt had been implanted with hundreds of 'Elk transition activator micro- modules that alter the way he thinks and speaks. For example, when he was heading home on the plane after the Arlington show, the stewardess asked him if he would like anything to drink. Usually, Dave would say something like, "I'd like a decaf latte with diet foamy swirl and an organic cherry on top" but instead found himself saying, "Heck yeah girl, you know a Pimp needs his Hen- Dawg to make the trip in this rattle- trap aluminum lipstick tube". I'm sure they were both quite surprised. Our next transmission occurred at the Monday morning corporate meeting where Dave and his partner examine the list of items they bought at the last guitar show and present it to the board members. Imagine fifteen tie- wearing, corporate "suits" piling into a boardroom only to see Dave standing on the presentation dais with a Confederate battle hat, a pit bull eating out of the candy dish and a boom box blaring "Whisky, Jugs and Mama Just Shot Pappy Again" blaring at top volume. I'm sure it was a very unsettling moment when they nervous stock holders asked 'ol Dave if he bought any good guitars in Texas, he replied, "Ain't no need to worry about guitars rat now. We gwanna have a bill come in from the Million Dollar Club in Dallas and I'm here to tell you all that with enough money, you can buy seven greased- up strippers, six cases of Georgia Moon white liquor, three days in the best motel in Texas and a pit- bull". Ya'll say hello to our new mascot, Molly- she slobbers a lot, but I ain't seen her bite anybody yet. I jes wouldn't reach for that candy dish while she's up on the table. Having Dave's transformation nearly complete, we will soon set our sights on the tall fellow that often accompanies him at these larger shows. He obviously will be a tougher nut to crack, but on the day any of you open a VG magazine and see a Guitar Center ad that features two guys named "Carl Mark" Berlin and "Lum" Belzer, you'll know our mission has been completed. It's just another day here at 'Elk World Domination Headquarters......